July 20, 2011 — How to spit properly

Dear William (and Daniel, Catherine, Michael & Baby Girl Y) (and your parents), (and any future descendants and their parents),

Last evening Babcia Krysia and I were driving home when she started to complain about how dirty the windshield in my car was. Not appreciating the comment, I wanted to gross her out, and responded: “I don’t see why; I spit on it every morning when I get into the car.” Babcia Krysia was not going to be outdone, and responded: “Do you spit from inside the car or the outside?” To which I replied: “The inside.” And she concluded: “That explains why the outside of the windshield is so dirty.”

This exchange got me thinking — every person should know how to spit properly.

But; how does a person learn how to spit properly? There are several things to consider — are you going for distance or accuracy? As with most things, a proper balance is probably best.

When you are learning, I found that watermelon seeds were a great vehicle for learning proper spitting. They are solid; they are the right size to fit easily in your mouth and exit through your lips; and you are rewarded while you are learning.

Once you master watermelon seeds, it is time to move on to what nature has provided to you — saliva.

First, gather as much saliva in your mouth as you can. A good spit requires a lot of natural juices. You may have to work some up in your mouth for quite a while. Some people snort snot from their nose to combine with the saliva. Most spitting enthusiasts classify this as a “loogie.”

If you want, you can drink and use water to spit, but it’s not quite as authentic.

Take a breath. It’s the rapid exhalation of this air that carries the load safely away from the chin.

Gather all of the saliva and whatnot on the front of your tongue and purse your lips; i.e., make a small opening in your lips — if you are well educated, this may help: form the lips as if pronouncing the German ö or the French eu.

Aim. What to aim at? — The ground. Not your best friend’s shoe, the front step, the cat, or even third base. The ground.

Fire! — Blow as hard as possible; using the diaphragm muscles (think stomach, not lungs).

Practice! Practice!! Practice!!!